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I've already pointed out, that I suffer from an affliction, Lackofturkeyitis, that will be remedied today. Sadly, I remember previous Thanksgivings and can say truthfully, I am thankful to have survived those Thanksgiving day pasts and continue to drool.........oops, look forward to the next ones.

Many years ago, a girl that I was seeing, insisted on preparing our dinner. The poor gal had to read directions on how to boil water. But, I give her credit, she tried, bless her heart. Her brother and his girlfriend were there and sat transfixed at the spread. She apparently made the mashed potatoes without a lotta liquid ingredients, like.........milk. They were the lumpiest potatoes I had ever seen. Her brother asked," What's this?" pointing at the bowl. She replied that they were mashed potatoes. Looking at me smiling, he said," I guess that's a new twist. Mash your own potatoes when you put them on your plate." Well, needless to say, the turkey was extremely dry..........and yes, she did cook it with the bag of giblets still in the cavity. The highlight of the day was when I took her brother to the hospital for what was suspected to be food poisoning. Oy vey!!!

Then their was the gal that was a health nut. She ran everywhere. We'd go to the mall, and she insisted on parking in the farthest space there was from the building, just to get a little exercise in. I quit going on these excursions because, quite frankly, I hated getting leg cramps once we got to the food court. Well, Thanksgiving finally arrived and with it being our first (and only), she insisted on preparing our dinner. So, while she did that, I was not allowed to watch football or the parade. Instead, "Honey, try out that new cross country ski exerciser I bought". Still suffering from back spasms, I instead,took her little rat dog (a yorkie) outside for a game of fetch. I threw it the tennis ball and then fetched it back to throw it again. The friggin dog had no concept of the game whatsoever. After 10 minutes of this, I figured that I coulda done something else, like sit ups or something. At least it would have been a good excuse for being sweaty and out of breathe. Much to my surprise, when I went back into the house, with the rat dog in tow, dinner was ready. I though, Oh My God. What a cook, she cooked the entire dinner in 10 minutes. What a dumbass I was. Sitting down at the table, I noticed 5 glasses and 2 bowls, at each place setting. Each glass contain a liquid and all were a different color. How pretty, decorative place settings!!!! She walked in with a basket in her hand, covered with a kitchen towel and sat down. Looking intently at her, I asked, " Well, where's the grub? "Silly, it's right in front of you," she laughed,"They're protein shakes." Carefully raising one glass, I held it up to the light and could see different shapes swirling around in the murky brown fluid. "Ahhh, this must be the turkey," I asked? The look that I got would have killed a 80 ton elephant in 3 seconds.

Ahhh, memories. Isn't life with them great? And of course, there were those many holidays spent eating frozen dinners. Banquet and Swanson still keep sending me cards, asking if I'm ever gonna come back. I can't bring myself to sending them an answer back, bless their hearts. After being there for me for so long. It's like losing an old friend, ya know. Hell, I even got chased out of a homeless kitchen once. I figured a good hot meal was what I needed and what the hell. The Salvation Army told me, to eat, you gotta help serve it. That's work my friends, and I quit working on holidays when I left the military. Anwho, Now I gots me a bride that is a good cook and that's a good thing. She knows how to cook practically everything, praise be.

So..................throwing aside any thought of having a repeat of a past holiday, I AM gonna be feasting today. Turkey, mashed potatoes (not reconstituted and definitely, thoroughly MASHED) sweet potatoes, corn, green beans (not the casserole. God, I hate that crap. I'd love to shoot the person that thought up that mess. People, putting a can of soup with green beans with crunchy unmentionables is not a casserole, sorry. Leave the beans alone, jeez) Where was I? Oh yeah, HOT buttered dinner rolls, OMG. betcha. Gravy over everything. My wife won't let me pour it over everything but if she would..........yummmm! Anywho, lotsa stuffing and to finish it all off............are you ready for this? HOMEMADE PUMPKIN AND CHERRY PIES!!! Is there a God or what? Sport fans, I'm gonna fix that ailment today, by golly. And, yes, I've already got my sweatpants on (easier to move around after eating, ya know) and I've already bought a fresh bottle of Pepto, just in case. Treadmills, cross country skiing thingys, fetch with a stupid rat dog? Not on your life. I'm gonna sit in my chair and do 20 ounce curls and watch other people have fun sweating, on the TV.

Life is good, but only because I'm sharing it with someone I love. And I hope that you are too. Happy Thanksgiving to ALL of my brothers and sisters, at home and abroad. You ALL are always in my thoughts and prayers. And for those in harms way, keep your head and butt down and hurry the hell up and get home. WE MISS YOU!!!

From the Dutch's household, Happy Thanksgiving.

Hell gotta run, oops....walk, something about taste testing.


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